This is going to get difficult

Sophia is going to turn three in a couple of weeks. Surprisingly, she has developed a new attachment issue with me in the last week or so. She doesn't like the idea of leaving me. She has fussed at the gym when I leave, and she complains when I leave for meetings and such. This is incredibly unusual for her. Normally she's thrilled with the gym once she gets there and she doesn't notice once I'm gone.

I assume that because she's getting older and more independent, this is her way of checking back in to be sure it's okay that she's doing stuff on her own. This is where it gets hard for me. I am so excited that Sophia is becoming independent, doing things on her own and creating her own identity already. But if she is the one coming back saying, "Mommy, I want to go home and snuggle with you," where inside of myself am I going to find the will to say no? She'll be independent eventually! She doesn't have to do it right now! That's what my insides scream while my lips say something like, "Sophia, you can try this for five minutes. If you want to go home after that, we'll go." I have never had to honor that commitment. Once she gets started on something by herself, or in a class, she runs with it and loves it. So who am I to give in to that little side of herself that wants to hole up with her mama when there is a whole world to explore?!

Case in point. This morning was her second Movin' and Groovin' class at Tryps. I got the feeling last time that the teacher would like to see what Sophia would do on her own, without me around. She's the oldest one in the class, as I mentioned, so all the other parents stay. But Miss Hallie was confident in Sophia's need for independence. So today, even after Sophia had asked if I would please stay with her the whole time, I said I needed to do some birthday shopping for her and she could stay with Miss Hallie. She didn't hop off with her usual bounce, but she didn't scream either. Pretty sure I wouldn't have the guts to leave Miss Hallie with a screamer, even if she insisted that it would be fine. Fortunately, Sophia didn't test me on that one.

After I left her there, I was a bit of a nervous wreck for about the first ten minutes. I only leave her at the gym, church and with babysitters. This was a whole new experience for both of us. She had a learning commitment that in no way involved me. I went to Panera and got a coffee. Then I sat with a view of the door of the class (Tryps is in the mall across from Panera). Drumming my fingers on the table, looking very suspicious, I'm sure. I couldn't handle that any more, so I went to Target and bought a couple of clearance shirts. It helped a little. That left about 20 minutes left of the 30 minute class. So I sat and watched, waited and fidgeted. I have no idea what I was worried about. I even recognized that fact at the moment I was worried. I laughed at myself because I am not typically tightly wound, but I was in such unfamiliar territory. For the last five minutes of the class, I stood outside the door trying to see what was happening but trying to stay out of eye contact with Sophia and the teacher. Neither of them needed to know that I was hovering.

As the class ended, Sophia bounded to me and then stopped abruptly. Ran back to Miss Hallie with her finger up and said, "Oh, I almost forgot! Goodbye and thank you!" Sigh. She's got it together so much better than I do. I just hope she doesn't figure that out.

Oh yeah, and next time I'm taking a book. It will be cheaper than "waiting" in Target.