New Digs

It's all rather similar in our new place. Familiar but different. I'm loving my work space here, and the kitchen is simply wonderful.

We're all settling in nicely. Even Gabriella doesn't seem to have much to complain about.

It's the perfect time of year in this neighborhood. The trees are changing and the temperatures are just right for open windows. I'm grateful for our new home, which could possibly even be our old person's home one day. We haven't had that possibility for a while, and it makes me happy!

Of the Hotel by Sophia

For the next eight days we are  living in a hotel. We went to the pool.We also get free breakfast. It is called cheshire. It also lets my cat come to. I don’t know about you but I think that is pretty cool.

Hola

It's been an uncharacteristically long time since my last post. I keep starting posts about the fact that it's been almost a year since we've been in St. Louis. Each post has been different and each one is unfinished.

Maybe if I keep it short, rather than comprehensive, I can get one published. In just four days, it will be an entire year since we moved into this apartment. That feels weird on many levels. A year is a long time, but it's still only an eighth of the time we lived and invested in Columbia.

We miss our friends. All three of us miss them. We miss our house, mostly because, as Sophia says, "It was so close to the boysies." I think I may have mentioned this before, but there are definitely days that I wish I were in Columbia, but, so far, I haven't wished that I lived there again. That's not to say I won't have that feeling in the future, but I'm happy to hold onto my contentment for now.

We love our friends in St. Louis. I'm grateful every day for the relative ease of this transition for all of us. Erick loves his job. I love the possibilities in St. Louis. I love the food and the walks.

Sophia loves her school, the parks, her friends. Everything that matters to her about St. Louis is a win.

A year later. Sophia, Erick and I have all grown and changed individually. Our relationships to each other have changed, too, as outside dynamics shift. A year later, and I can still say with absolute certainty that my favorite thing in life is the three of us - together.

Zootastic

 

My nephew Henri had his first visit (that he could really participate) to the zoo yesterday. It was absolutely fantastic. Really enjoyable to spend time with him, his brothers and, of course, his parents. I hope I'm learning to live in the moments we have together. Blissful as they sometimes are.

Still, I can't deny the bittersweet reality that he's pointing at me...

Going Back Ain't Easy

Sophia and I have made regular trips back to Columbia since our move five months ago. Erick has come with us on the weekends that he can. Each trip is a little different, as far as who we visit and what we do. Every trip is the same, though, in that nothing is the same. It's a statement of the obvious, I know.

There is no way to explain to someone who hasn't been there what it feels like to reenter a picture that you're no longer a part of. This is particularly true of our weekday visits. To hop back into an everyday reality that we're no experiencing ourselves is confusing - for me, for Sophia, and I can only assume for those we visit. It's a tension that I am completely willing to live with because I care so much about maintaining real and lasting friendships. I am willing to feel uncomfortable and a little out of place in order to find a new place in the picture.

It's funny that I use the picture as a metaphor. Because I never take my camera on these visits. Or if I do, I leave it in the van. I had written this off as accidental until my drive home this last time. A big part of me still fights the need to take pictures because that's something "guests" do when they come for a visit, and I so don't want to be a guests with my family and my friends. But I am. Maybe a guest with some history, but a guest all the same.

Unexpected Park Day

As we were leaving preschool today, the mom of Sophia's best school friend Tommy asked if we'd like to join them at the park after school as they were going to meet other moms and kiddos. With no plans on a lovely spring Friday, I couldn't resist. Of course if I had known in advance that this would happen, I would have prepared myself. I was not dressed for the occasion as I'd spent the morning cleaning the apartment. Cleaning myself was my afternoon project. But I decided to overcome my initial hesitation and take a risk.

We went to a new playground at Shaw Park, here in Clayton. It was a fantastic park! Slides, swings, climbing contraptions and lots of room to run. Once we had made all the introductions, we just watched the kids. Sophia was more than content to chase and play with Tommy and his friends. As they ran by at one point, she was knocking on her noggin saying, "Come on, brain! Get the magic back in there!" I glanced sideways at my new mom friends to see if any of them noticed. Nope. In the clear for the moment.

I kept the crazy inside my own brain for the day, so we may, in fact, be invited again another day.

Homesick

I thought this would be the week that I started focusing more on the new world than the old, but it turns out the old one wasn't finished with me yet.

Remember a long while back when I shared a lot about my ideas on grief? We're right back to that. With all the busyness and distraction of the actual move and settling in, not to mention visiting the old world a couple of times, I realize now that I had managed to feel the minimal amount of loss associated with this life twist. (I'm still searching for the proper term to describe what just happened as "move" and "change" don't seem to fully embody the situation.) I still had plenty of feeling, but it was just a pressure release of the feelings beneath.

This week, I have slowed down. There is little or nothing to do to continue the settling process. I knew I was stalling in putting up those pictures, but I didn't realize I was stalling the grief.



But here I am, looking out at a view that I genuinely appreciate. The animals were placed strategically by Sophia. In a room that is warm and feels like home. With a girl playing quietly with her animals on and around me. And here it is. Loss. Grief. Confusion. Hope? Yes. I've got it all. With a stuffed nose and a clogged ear. There is no point in describing what I feel here. You have all felt it at one point or another. A sudden recollection of an unfulfilled dream. A sweet memory of a moment impossible to recapture. Eyes filling with tears for no reason in particular.

It's going to be a long winter. Strap in. I'll try not to drag us all down. There is plenty to share that is beautiful and funny and exciting. I'll let you in on all of that too. But I have to be real. I'm homesick. For my sick neighbors, for my healthy neighbors, for my friends, for my church, for the gym I haven't been to in months, for Sophia's preschool, for Hy-Vee and my stove and my back porch. To name a few. Okay. I feel better. Here's photographic evidence that I feel better. Sophia took this for you.



Hope I didn't make you feel worse.

The "Real" World

We have been in our apartment for nearly three weeks! It seems impossible that it's been that long, but it's true. When Sophia talks about all the changes, she still refers to Columbia as "our real world" and the house we sold as "our real house." She is getting more used to the apartment and her room, but the rest of our existence is a bit surreal.

In that three weeks, Sophia and I have driven back to Columbia twice. One time just a quick trip to clean the house. Two days ago, we were there for 24 hours, visiting church, seeing friends and hanging out with the family in our old neighborhood. It's great to stay connected to our friends in Columbia, working toward acknowledging a new state of normal together. It is always hard to leave after a visit, but the quiet trip home provides a great opportunity to reflect on our rich past and look forward to a future, hopefully still rich with friends old and new.

I think this week will be the week I start thinking more about the new world than the old world. We'll see how that goes. I finally tackled a big stack of pictures and decorations that I had been stalling on. It will be fun to get the rest of our personal touches up and around us.

Sophia and I may work to find a library this week. The other thing that will help us feel at home is to cook at home more. We've been eating out more than normal, so it's easy to forget that we're not on an extended vacation.

I look forward to the task ahead. Making a life for ourselves and learning how to incorporate comfortable alongside the not-yet-broken-in, the proven with the risky. It will be an interesting journey. I'm glad that I'll have all of you to share it with!

The Tour

When we first realized that a St. Louis move was inevitable, we began to think about where we wanted to live. At first, we thought we would embrace the completely urban lifestyle of a downtown apartment. We looked online at lofts downtown on Broadway and around Washington Avenue. Those were great places, but once we visited the one on Broadway, we realized that it wouldn't suit the needs of our family. We wanted more of a neighborhood feel. More walking options and hopefully a kid-friendly environment.

We ended up driving through and falling in love with the Clayton/DeMun neighborhood. It's just off Skinker, West of Forest Park. We began making phone calls and looking online specifically at apartments in this area. It seemed like in order to get into the area, we'd have to settle for a two bedroom apartment. I was willing to do it if it would be a better place for all of us (especially Sophia). Then we stumbled upon an apartment in our price range with three bedrooms, hardwood floors, and nearly as much space as our house!

Our neighborhood is everything we hoped. Just a block or two from restaurants, a coffee shop and several great parks! Sophia loves it, as you could see from a previous post.



We're on the second floor, with three grad students above us and three student below us. Sophia is dying for some kids, so I'm hopeful that a park visit will one day turn up some friends for her.



It was quite a process to go from empty...



to full...



to livable...



I have been so amazed and pleased at how well our things seem to fit and help us feel at home in our new place.



We have more wall space in the apartment than we did in our house, so I get to exercise my decorating muscles a little bit. Good times are ahead. I'll let you know how that goes.



There have been some things to get used to in our apartment. The building went up in the late 1920's, so, along with the character and cool factor, we are discovering some quirks. We've never had radiated heat before. I like it, but it's a change.



If I could change one thing about the apartment, it would probably be the kitchen. It's not as much a nemesis as I originally thought, but it's an adjustment for sure. Few cabinets, the washer/dryer stacked in the corner, the original gas oven (well, I don't know that for a fact, but it sounds about right) all add up to a challenge. One that I'm willing to attack on account of the awesomeness of the rest of our place.



This is our place. I am feeling at home inside these walls. You're welcome to come see it for yourself at any time!

Sophia in St. Louis

The easiest place to get started on the process of sharing our new life is to talk about how Sophia is making the move.

Last week, the big one, Sophia could not have been more perfect. She was low maintenance, easy-going, kind and quiet. All around a different kid. Fortunately, I have determined after just a day into this new week, I can tell you that was just a phase - a very kind, and well-timed phase. She's back with all the drama and opinion and words. More than ever, actually, as she tries to figure out what it means to be here, in St. Louis, for good.

It helps that Sophia loves her room. It's inviting and big. It serves as both her bedroom and her playroom. She was a little disappointed that her toys don't have their own kingdom in the apartment, but she's adjusted well.



The other big factor in easing Sophia's transition is the combination of great weather, a great park nearby and a new bike. On Timbers Court, Sophia could never control a bike - or any wheeled vehicle for that matter - but on Rosebury, she tools along like a pro.



This weekend, Sophia was thrilled to have my mom and dad visit. I was so happy for her to have people to give her undivided attention and listen to her chatter, as my attention has been minimal through the week. We did some fun stuff with Mom and Dad, including the Champagne Holiday Stroll in one of Clayton's business districts. Sophia found a turtle to keep her company.



Of course, it would be unreasonable of us to expect her (or any of us) to make this transition without a blow-up or two. We're working on helping her navigate the feelings and frustrations that come with the change.



Through all of this, every one of our conversations about the move ends with us having an exchange about how we are grateful to have each other. I really am. This girl makes my life interesting, that's for sure.

Surfacing for Air

It has been a whirlwind of events as we have made the transition from Columbia to St. Louis. Our address is Clayton, so we'll see if that's what I end up calling it. Anyway, I plan to post some pictures and regale you with some stories in the near future. We'll see how that works out.

Sorry for the empty space!

I'm crying again

I'm not going to try to describe all the things that I'm going to miss about Columbia. And by things, I mean people. Sure, I'll miss Booche's and Murry's and being here on home football weekends. I'll miss the feel of a small town with big city ideas. But more than all of Columbia put together, I'll miss my friends, my neighbors, my spiritual community. So I'm not going to even try to tell you about all the people that I will miss and why.

I miss them already. The rainy gray day with spots of red and orange is a perfect setting for how I feel. A sad and lonely atmosphere surrounding pockets of hope and positivity. I am so grateful for the people who have helped me to find who I am. The people who have loved me and stuck with me in spite of the challenges that being my friend inherently presents.

(Deleted positive paragraph because it was unnecessary to the day. We'll get to that later.)

One Week Down

For those of you unaware of the current happenings with house/job/move/anything else we can throw in there, here's where we're at.

Erick is in St. Louis, and I'm in Columbia. Fortunately, we don't have to stay like this for long. Erick had a full week away last week, and we all survived. I learned something important about myself. Four full days is my limit of hanging with a four-year-old. Friday was a little tenuous. Part of the problem was that Sophia only had school one day last week. We have corrected the problem, and she'll be attending preschool three days this week. That should alleviate some of the tension, so I'm a little more positive about our ability to make it to Erick's arrival on Friday afternoon.

Our house is under contract with a closing date of December 3rd. I hope that all holds with that. If so, it would be an amazingly quick and painless process, thanks in part to our dear friend and outstanding REALTOR, David Townsend. I can get you his contact information if you need it... I'm just saying.

Sophia and I move to St. Louis on Monday and Tuesday of NEXT WEEK! It's crazy to think that it's already here, but a very large part of me wishes it was already over. We're just fully entrenched in limbo here. No Erick. No permanence. I am looking forward to a week of lasts, which is good and painful at the same time. However, the truth is that most of my lasts happened the week before Erick left. My last Monday night...at home alone...true, but I didn't have many of these to begin with. Anyway, it's a bit draining just to think about.

The biggest blessing of all the blessings that have gone into this move is that we are using Gaines Moving and Delivery, who is going to PACK and move us. That's right. I'm not packing this week. *Audible sigh of relief* This weekend, we'll get some things into the van and Jeep that might as well come with us, but for the most part, we are free of the burden. I can't tell you how very grateful I am for that particular little tidbit.

And on that, I will say goodnight.

It begins...

It's here. Sophia and I are in Columbia for two more weeks, but this morning Erick set off to start his new job and set into motion our new life. It's been the day (one of them) that I've dreaded for a while now. This one holds more dread for me than the other days. We're still in limbo for the most part, but now we get to do it separately.

Erick was home all week last week, in between jobs. It was everything we hoped. Lots of family snuggling, laughing and playing. We didn't really talk very much, except for Sophia, of course. Erick and I have talked this thing to no end, so all that was left was...this. Getting it done.



This is his view this morning. Mine is the same, except the girl in my view is missing her daddy and reminds me every so often. While I understand how short our actual separation will be, it wouldn't be helpful for me to point that out to Sophia. "Well, at least we'll see him on the weekend! Some families go over a year without a real hug!" That wouldn't help her any more than it makes it easier for me.

Selling Our House

It's not news, I know. We're selling our house. Last week, we put it on the MLS with our friend and excellent REALTOR David Townsend. Since being relieved of the responsibility of actually selling the house, I feel more able to grieve the fact that it's happening. Not the move, in general. That's a different kind of grief. But the fact that we are selling this house.

I wasn't blogging when we moved in, so I can't just link to a post that tells you how we felt. I'll have to try to put it into words. We moved when I was six months pregnant. The week before we moved here, Erick and I went to Memphis for the weekend. It seemed like a good idea at the time. That's because at the time, we didn't know that I was a human water retention basin. Seriously, I swelled up that weekend in July and never returned to normal size until Sophia was here. There are advantages and disadvantages of moving while pregnant. The very obvious advantage is that I didn't move a damn thing. The disadvantage was that the huge deal of buying our first house was overshadowed (literally and figuratively) by my pregnancy. The room I was most excited about was the nursery.

I think that is a big part of the reason that selling this house is not easy. It's all part of the biggest change in our lives. We became homeowners and parents within months of each other. This was the weekend before she was born. Enormous, I know. I was only 34 weeks pregnant. I'm not kidding.



Her first everything was our first everything in this house. Here we are enjoying our first Thanksgiving. Apparently, it was a balmy day.



What I'm saying is that it's not going to be easy to leave this house. It feels like another old friend who has seen us through some tears and has been our playground on the chilly or rainy days of the past four years.

But, do you want it? 'Cause, really, you can have it. It's a good place to make a life.

Our Park

One of the things Sophia and I will miss when we leave is our park. It's less than a block from our house, and we almost always have it to ourselves. Mind you, I will not mind having other kids around to chase Sophia so I don't have to, but I will miss the chats that we have while we lie on the playground or the bench. I have taken pictures of Sophia here since she was not walking yet. She doesn't chew the mulch any more, but she's just as cute - even though she's four. That's right. Four.



Fall is my favorite time of year at the park too. No bugs. Lots of acorns to provide collecting distraction. And beautiful colors all around.



And yes, she is wearing leopard print pants. There's a jacket, too. We don't have many clothing options for this in-between stage. Too warm for a coat or sweater. Too cold for t-shirts and shorts. So I took her to get one of my favorites for her - a velour track suit. I let her choose the color. It was purple, pink, black, blue and leopard. Never occurred to me that she'd choose the animal print. Should have known. She does not get her fearless style from me, but maybe it will rub off...



On another note, the neighborhood we're looking into right now is called Clayton/Demun, and it has a great park too. Click here to see it. Like everything else, it won't be bad. Just different.

Smells like cake

 

No reason for that title other than the fact that currently our house smells like cake. We're having an Open House on Sunday, and now I wish I had the guts to make a cake just before the doors open because it smells soooo good and homey. Sophia and I made cake because she has a birthday coming up. I have been trying very hard not to let her birthday get swallowed up by this whole moving thing, but it's a challenge to say the least.

I am so excited to celebrate Sophia tomorrow with our friends and family. Every time I think that, the thought immediately follows, "...for the last time in Columbia." There are many things we are planning that precede that statement. It is such a weird feeling and one that I have never experienced before! We have lived in Columbia for our entire marriage. Our whole adult existence. We are not the same kids who moved into Broadway Village eight years ago, but the people we meet in St. Louis won't know that.

On a side note, eight years is the longest I have ever lived in one city. Galesburg, Illinois, and
Columbia, Missouri, now tie for that record.

When I think about the fact that people will only know what I tell them about myself, it really freaks me out. It also makes me look at people that I meet for the first time very differently. Of course I have always been aware that every person has a very long and winding path before I meet them, but it has never felt quite so glaring. Who were they five years ago? Ten? My friends know who we were. My next neighbors won't. Weird.

See, this is what happens when I try to think about Sophia's birthday party. I don't have compartments...

Address Change

 

Let's just say that yesterday was a hell of a day for Sophia to learn her address at school...

With Good Reason

I have been incommunicado lately, and there is a very good reason. I've had one thing primarily on my brain, but I have not had the time or energy or freedom or something to get my thoughts down about it.

Erick interviewed for, was offered and accepted a position with a law firm in St. Louis. There, I said it. Since I chose him and we chose this path together, I'll be joining him. Sophia is too young to stay in Columbia by herself, so she's coming with us, too. Hopefully we'll all be there together before 2010 is out.

As you can imagine, and as many of you have experienced, this is a consuming and emotional process, to say the least. I will do my best to come up with more words at some point in the near future. For now, I thought it would be helpful just to break the news to those who didn't already know and break the ice with those who did.

I found myself this morning finally changing the "We are probably..." to "We are moving to St. Louis." That was a big barrier that has now been knocked down.