Sticking with it

My spring schedule has made it difficult to make regular visits to the nursing home. I'm hopeful that things will become predictable enough in the near future, and we'll all stay healthy enough for me to return to regular visits. This resolve is especially firm after today's visit with a lady at the home.

Allow me to give a little review on my history with this venture. I planned to volunteer and expected to spend time with people only marginally aware of my presence in order to help allay a few moments of loneliness felt by one or two people. Once I first visited, my expectations changed based on the specific person I was arranged to visit. She was fascinating and energetic and educated. Turns out she was not interested in me. So, I moved on to other people who would be less offended by my presence, and with this, it turns out my first expectations were more accurate. Don't get me wrong. The person I typically visit with now is just as interesting and educated, but her condition is more of what I expected - she is mostly aware of my presence but her loneliness and boredom is bigger than an hour a week. Still, I'm glad that for an hour a week she feels like more than a resident in a nursing home.

Today's visit was more positive than one we had a couple of weeks ago. We spent it looking at her calendar, which was made for her by her children. She repeated several times, an astonishment that she is still alive in 2011, although she can't remember with confidence what year she was born. She's an avid reader who currently has no desire to read. Of that, she said, "I should be unhappy, but I'm not. Guess I'm just content with nothingness."

All that to say, my resolve is refreshed. I actually enjoy the time spent in her presence. I think it's mutual, so that helps. Each time I leave, I have been surprised that I don't feel depressed. I feel a sense of overwhelming gratitude for the spring breeze and the ability to drive.

On Hold

My previous week's lesson is currently on hold before resolution will be found. I went back to the residence of the person in question, who does happen to be a professor, and she was asleep. Knocking and calling didn't wake her, so I went upstairs to have a talk with the volunteer coordinator.

It was a very helpful talk. I was right. She wasn't that surprised at the result. We agreed on a few steps to feel out my future welcomeness. And we discussed some other possibilities for usefulness to them outside visiting with this particular person.

Just wanted to let you know that the story is playing out. I, for one, am giddy with anticipation.

I learned something today

To be fair, I've learned this particular lesson several times during my life, but I had a refresher today. Fact: Not everyone likes me. Or perhaps, more accurately, I'm not a breath of fresh air to everyone I come into contact with. (It's okay, Mom. You can take your hand down from your mouth. This is actually true.)

I mentioned earlier that I started visiting a person of advanced age (just felt like being p.c. there for some reason). The visits have been of mixed review. I developed hope after last week's visit because conversation was easier and more frequent. Of course, it ended as every visit does. I woke her up to say goodbye.

Today she was perky, so I hoped that it would be a lively discussion. On the contrary, she focused intently on her small television during the entirety of my visit - even during commercials. Each effort I made at conversation was politely, but firmly, rebuffed. It was excruciatingly awkward. My open-ended questions were answered by one or two word responses. Eye contact was rare and challenging when received.

I am not going to dive into hypotheses about why and how this happened. At least not here. I have my ideas. I am neither offended nor belittled by today's interaction. No fear - I am still confident in my winning personality. However, I am not confident in my effectiveness or aid in this particular situation.

All that to say that my role at the care facility may be changing soon. Now, I'm not just going to give up on her because it's difficult. I would actually love another crack at it. However, I think it would be selfish of me to continue just to prove that I can stick it out or to "win" her trust. So, I'll talk it over with the people who know her. Judging from a few inferences, they may not be surprised.

I'll let you know how it turns out. I may be working on my craft skills after all...

Thinking Out Loud

 

I have tried for the past few days to put words to my latest attempt at connecting to myself and others here in St. Louis. I have a feeling it could be lengthy so feel free to save this for a quiet moment or fifteen...

When Sophia started back to school five weeks ago, those mornings became stark reminders of my solitude. For many reasons, the solitude has been welcome. It's obvious, though, isn't it, that those empty slate mornings have provided more opportunity for loneliness. Not frequent, but it happens. Driving home on one such morning, I noticed a nursing home - or residential care facility, if you will - and had a moment of realization. A couple of months away from constant interaction had given me a shadow of understanding of the loneliness for some of those people. I decided I could do something that would help me feel less solitary and hopefully help others feel more like themselves.

After applying and talking with the volunteer coordinator, I scheduled my orientation. I was more than pleased to find that the feeling of the home is much like an extended family, with obvious attachments between staff and residents. This particular place specializes in assisting patients with Alzheimer's and dementia.

The first two floors are filled with people who are highly functional and enjoy many normal activities. The third floor, however, is for people whose needs are more constant. I was so impressed by how the staff cared for them. I was also reminded of how varied and interesting are the people who just happened to grow old. While on the third floor, a resident who had been staring vacantly during my visit, walked to the piano, sat and began playing old standard lively tunes very well with no music. I was also introduced to a former model and a painter. It was humbling, to say the least. No accomplishments or level of success exclude you from frailty.

After our tour, the coordinator and I sat to talk about where I would be needed. I had no expectations. This is my first attempt to volunteer with the elderly. I'd be willing to drive, help with crafts, sit with people, whatever. When she asked what I enjoy, I answered honestly that I enjoy listening to and telling stories. But certainly, I would do anything that would help.

The volunteer coordinator had something specific in mind for my time. One of the residents has two children, both out of the country, many friends who are not able to visit and life experience and disposition that don't draw her to the group activities that help other residents stave off the loneliness. She went on to describe her as the most interesting person in the building - with a PhD in Philosophy, having traveled and taught all over the world. Would I be interested in sitting and visiting with her when I come in? Yeah, I think I could do that. So we went down to meet her. She was sweet and excited to have visitors. We were both excited for my impending visit.

This week, I had my first visit alone with her. It was a stranger experience than I expected. How does one get to know another person after she has already lived and experienced so much? What do I offer exactly? An ear? A window to the outside world? A hum of chatter? The hum put her to sleep. I chose not to take it personally. When I woke her so I could leave, she gushed about a wonderful visit, talking of the things we'll do next time.

Honestly, I'm not at all put off by the experience but it does case me to realize that I might not be quite as captivating as my own grandparents led me to believe. Next time, I will definitely bring my A game.

If that doesn't work, I'll bring Sophia... I kid.