Nope, we're not through with this discussion on grief. I definitely have some more things to say about it. I just needed to process some first in my head before I bare them to the eyes of the world (yeah, right, the world).
Simply stated, my current grief has changed my state of mind. This particular loss, with its slow, draining march, has combined with the recent loss of two grandparents, along with other peripheral losses and reminders of loss to produce a marked effect on my state of mind, or attitude. Is that the same thing?
My predisposition is one of contentment and laughter. I am certainly not saying that I'm happy all of the time. I am saying that my state of mind is typically one of seeing the humor and of choosing to focus on the brighter side of the human condition, even while venturing into the darkest of places. Over the past several months, I have experienced consecutive losses of varying degrees. My inability to take the time between to experience these at a deeper level has left me in a darker state of mind.
Those of you who know me at all know that sarcasm is a natural bent of mine. Many would suggest that sarcasm is never appropriate, but I still enjoy it. However, at times like these it becomes my enemy. I have to be more careful of my tongue because it tends to deal a larger dose of hostility. When I am in this state of mind, I tend to think of myself as a "realist," which is to say a pessimist. I see the negative more clearly than the positive in the photographs of daily life. It's not really depression, although that tends to kick it off. It's just a general state of malaise.
I am not afraid of this current lack of positivism in my life. I've been through it before. I'll get through it this time, too. Exercising my mind and my emotions. Using words to express how angrily I meet this loss and all the losses of my past. Reminding myself of the joys of being a human. These are the remedies for my soul.
I don't know if this is typical of grief or not. How about you? Does a particular state of mind accompany your grief? Is grief a state of mind of its own?
Laurie - words are not my strength so I am so blown away by the beauty in yours. The way you have shared your vulnerability shows how strong and true you are to yourself.
ReplyDeleteIn the last year and a half I have grieved new life, death, illness, recovery . . . and the list goes on as does life. The feelings are completely different and oddly similar each time. We can define grief, like you did in an earlier post, but I don't believe there is anything typical about it. If there was, our feelings couldn't be new and raw each time we experience a loss or choose that new path. I think it's amazing the way you embrace life and each experience.
Thanks for slowing me down enough to join you and I apologize if this comment is lacking. Again, words are not my strength. You on the other hand, you should write a book!!
Thanks, Toby. I think you expressed yourself extremely well! You nailed something I've been trying to get at but couldn't explain. I like how you point out that each time the feelings are raw and new, different from any other time.
ReplyDeleteThanks for joining my, Toby. Life is a journey and the more who can jump in together the merrier!