Happy 19th, Sophia!

 Happy birthday, Sophia!

I so miss getting to wake you up on your birthday with a favorite treat and a big hug, but I know you're right where you belong! I'm glad you're open to long distance hugs now because I am sending a big one. Plus three kisses on top of your head. And another hug.

I am so proud of you. You know I burst with pride every day because I think you're awesome. And this year, you have blown me away. You've been through a great deal in your first year as an adult. Sometimes it seemed like it was just one thing right after another. But you have shouldered your way through it, gritted your teeth and managed to make the most of it. That is a skill that many people work their whole lives to learn. I'm sorry that you had reason to learn it this year, but you did and the work is paying off!

I'm so glad that you are letting a whole new group of people get to know you. Some things that I know they'll love about you - your loyalty, your insight and advice, your heart, your compassion when someone needs it, and your sense of humor and timing. I love those things about you, too. Also your hugs and your clever quips, which I suppose are your sense of humor, but I miss those a lot. Regardless, I'm glad that you're sharing those parts of yourself with a new group. It's brave and hopefully will prove to be worth the risk!

This next year is so full of possibility as you get to start pursuing your dreams. Even if those dreams morph and change into other types of dreams, this is the part where you get to imagine big things for your life and think about what matters. I think you're off to a great start because you already know that what's important is to be loved and known. You are doing your best to find that authentically, and that's incredibly inspiring. We see the efforts you're making and recognize how hard you're working. 

I will cherish every moment we get to spend together this year, and in the times we aren't physically present, we will have thousands of texts, many phone calls and lots of reels. Thanks for always bringing a smile to my face. You are my favorite person, and that doesn't change with distance.

We celebrate you today, Sophia. All of us who are in your orbit count ourselves lucky to know you. I hope you feel celebrated and so very loved. I love you so much, Sweetie. Have an absolutely wonderful day of celebration. You deserve it!!!

Love,

Mom

Happy 18th Birthday, Sophia!!!

 Happy birthday, Sophia!

It's hard for me to put into words what this birthday means. At the end of the day today, things will be really similar to the way things were at the end of your 17th birthday. The reason it feels so big is that this is the year that you get to act on the dreams and plans you've been making since you were little. 

Watching you begin to put the pieces together has been miraculous. Your bravery has put you on the lookout for adventures that will meet your needs and made you willing to step outside your comfort zone to take risks worth taking. Your passion and curiosity are leading you into areas you may not have been open to before you built trust in your judgment and abilities! Through everything, your sense of humor and care for others shines through and draws people along with you.

Spending some time with you reading through the funny and insightful things you have said in the past was a lot of fun. I'm glad that you felt, as I do, that you are still that same wise and hilarious person, now with real life experience! My wish, as it is most years, is that this year will bring more self love for you than the last. With more moments where you recognize your brilliance for yourself, you'll have more freedom to take each step onto your own path.

I'm anxious about the year ahead. But as you have said so brilliantly, I'm not scared. I'm "scited." Is that how you would spell it? Regardless, I'm excited to see what's next!

I love you so much, Sophia. Being your mom is the greatest joy of my life and always will be, even as you are growing into adulthood. It's the very best. 

I hope you have a wonderful day today and feel celebrated by everyone that loves you!! You deserve it. 

Love,

Mom

 Happy birthday, Sophia! 
I am so happy to get to spend a day - even if it's a crazy one for you - celebrating you with every second we have together. And I'll be thinking about you and your special day even when we're not in the same place. Because your birthday is one of my favorite days, too!
Laurie

This year has been one of the hardest years we've faced as a family. I have been amazed by the way that you have managed things in your own time and in your own way. I know you've come to depend on your friends in a whole new way this year, and I am so pleased that you have a support system that you can count on no matter what. I'm glad that your people know you well enough to keep you from escaping inside yourself when things get out of control. And I'm so happy that you know yourself well enough to reach out, too.

You continue to be the kind of person that instills confidence and trust, and it's no wonder that your friends love to be around you - almost as much as Dad and I do. We are adjusting to your independence, and I'm trying to learn to be cool with the space you need. I am so proud of you, Sophia. I am proud when you get amazing grades or try out for plays or memorize your lines or help a friend when they're hurting or take a nap when you need one or push yourself to learn huge dance routines or express honestly when you need help. I'm just proud every moment of every day because of who you are. 

This coming year has such great possibilities for you. I'm excited to watch you continue to navigate the big questions and begin to take steps forward in your chosen path. My hope for you this year is that the confidence that others have in you can take hold in ways that make it possible for you to move and act with as much boldness as you'd like. There is no right or wrong way to do this, and regardless, I feel sure when I say, "You've got this!" 

Love you so much, Sophia! Happy, happy birthday!

Happy SWEET 16, Sophia!!

 Dear Sophia,

Sixteen years ago, you delighted us all by showing up on your own schedule. You have continued to

choose your own path in every way, and it’s a pleasure to watch.

Being along for the ride is the biggest joy of my life. I am so grateful to know you as well as I do, not only because you’re my kid but because you are a truly wonderful human. Thank you for letting us in!

I am proud of all that you have accomplished this year. You have faced many fears and continue to bravely step beyond your comfort zone. It has been inspiring and a little scary for me to watch you navigate your ever burgeoning life.

You continue to be the kind of loyal friend that any person would be lucky for life to have. Your capacity for love is truly boundless. As your mom, I hate how that opens you up to more pain, but you blow me away by bravely loving in spite of the risk. It’s frickin amazing. We’ll be here for you along the way as it becomes more full of joy and of everything else.

As always, my dearest wish for you is for you to see yourself the way others see you, even just a little bit. We think you are just the coolest thing to happen, and I wish it was easier for you to see the amazing parts of being you, along with the parts that make moments difficult.

I love you, Sophia. More than I imagined possible, and you know I’ve got a great imagination.

Happy, happy birthday, Soph. I hope you feel celebrated and loved in the midst of your scheduling storm.

Love,

Mom

Weird but fun

 This weekend the weather was supposed to be crummy, so we've stayed around the house. It turns out that the weather has been great, so some of our home time has also been outside.

Last weekend, we filled the days with some out of the ordinary activities. 

Saturday, we went to the St. Louis Renaissance Festival. It was weird but fun. It felt disorganized and chaotic, but I really think it was probably planned very well. It's just in the middle of a park and the mud was a bit distracting. Apropos, but still. 

Here are the king and queen cheering on their champion for the joust.

Sunday, we went to the immersive Van Gogh exhibit in the Galleria parking lot. That was a bit surreal and weird but overall cool.

Anyway, it was nice to get out and about. However, it really made the weekend go by rather quickly to have actual plans and things to do. I'm definitely not quite up to doing that all the time just yet. 

It's been nice, this weekend, to just relax and stay in our cozy house together. 

Happy Birthday, Sophia!

 Dear Sophia,

Happy, happy birthday! As you say, Mondays are the worst days, for birthdays and otherwise. I hope you feel celebrated even though it's the start to another week!

The last six weeks of being 14 have brought more change and potential than the whole other 46 weeks put together! It's been exciting and scary, even for me to watch, so I can only imagine how this birthday will feel putting all of this into reality. Fifteen is a big deal, as they all are. I have a lot of hope, as you know, for what this year will bring for you. My hope is that this is one of the years where you can start putting the pieces together of all the things you've learned about yourself and the world. The possibilities come with risk, it's true.

You are facing the changes and challenges head on, and I'm so proud of you. As always, your strength and bravery are in the spotlight. It isn't easy to deal with so much pressure while trying to continue your journey of self discovery, and you are building back what you lost in the past couple of years with honesty and compassion as your foundation. 

While there is plenty of serious stuff happening, there is also laughter and fun at the heart of many of your days. All one has to do is listen and get to know you to understand how truly funny and clever you are. It's fun just to be around when you decide the world should be laughing. You always manage to find a way to make it so.

I feel grateful each day to be in your universe. This day and every day. This year and every year. I become a better person just by being in your orbit and learning what you already know to be true about this place. Your observations are the best observations - whether they are fun or poignant. 

Love you so very much, Sophia. Happy, happy, happy birthday!

Mom

Summer Redux

It's hard to believe the summer is already drawing to a close. I'm sitting on my front porch in a nice breeze, just enjoying the rare St. Louis summer day that can be fully enjoyed out of doors. It's been a great summer. We did a lot of stuff, and we had a lot of lazy days. A really good balance, I must say.

I was so thrilled that Shakespeare in the Park was back. The production of King Lear was beautifully done and the actors were amazing. It was one I won't soon forget!

Sophia and I spent some nice afternoons at the pool. Playing and playing. It's always a good time!

We also had lots of fun at Six Flags a few times. I did my best to ride as many rides as my middle aged body would allow. For the most part, I think it was satisfactory.

Kayaking is truly one of my favorite activities. We were lucky to have some weekends that allowed us to not be overheated in the sun. This was a new to us little lake in Illinois. Very lovely.

The summer also allowed us to get out a little more since Sophia was also vaccinated. 

 The summer isn't quite over, but just wanted to give an overview of what kinds of things kept us busy this year. I am so incredibly grateful for the fact that I can enjoy these summer days with Sophia.

Steamboat Springs

I have not posted a thing this summer! I guess I was too busy enjoying it to the fullest. That's what we'll say. Tomorrow, I head back to work - new job. More about that, perhaps, another time. For now, allow me to post some memories from our family vacation to Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

Since we drove out there in order to avoid planes and airports, we got to make a stop in Omaha and see some very good friends and a former neighbor. Ernie is very special to us, and we were so pleased to be able to see him for a quick visit!

Steamboat Springs was really a great spot. It's a ski town, of course, but we enjoyed hiking a couple times. This one was Fish Creek Falls. It was delightful. If we ever went back there, I'd want to be in shape enough or acclimated enough to make the hike to the second set of falls, but this was a really beautiful spot regardless.

Another short hike we did was up around the place where the lift drops you off. Erick and I tried to hike up to this point later in the week, but it was the altitude again. Everything is just a bit harder.

My favorite thing we did was rent e-bikes. Basically pedal assisted bikes helped us enjoy the scenery without having to push so hard that we couldn't breathe. It was really a fun thing. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes to bike but doesn't like to struggle on vacation. 

The food in Steamboat was pretty good. This meal was excellent. A nice little tapas place, which you don't expect to be delicious in Colorado, but it was! Plus, the lighting. Look at our gorgeous girl.

None of us had ever spent any significant amount of time in Colorado, so we were very excited to get a glimpse into what people love. Colorado is the home to the heart of so many people we love. I can definitely see the appeal. It truly is some of the most beautiful landscape you can see all at once! It was a very fun trip. 

Adventures

 This spring has been cloudy, cool, and kind of serious. I don't know why, but the weather has had a serious tone. Not dangerous, obviously, just somber. I have enjoyed it, though that may surprise you from the recent blog posts all about sunshine or the lack thereof. When the weather isn't oppressive, I find that I simply feel more.

I've also taken advantage of getting out and into nature a bit. A couple of weeks ago, Leo and I ventured into Don Robinson State Park. It was quite beautiful. It had rained recently, so I fell down. A lot. But, for the most part, all that was damaged was my pride. Actually, that's not true either. I have no shame or embarrassment about falling down. It's kind of just part of taking risks, I think. Now, there was one particular fall that happened while a photographer looked on, but even then I didn't feel embarrassed. Just concerned for Leo, since I had been holding him at the time.

My best adventure came on Mother's Day. This is a duplicate post to something I wrote on Facebook, but worth repeating here: A few months ago, I decided I needed something to look forward to, so I signed up for the Tough Mudder (5k). The last few weeks, I have been regretting that decision a little. My friend had to drop out, my family couldn’t come watch (S is quarantined). The weather was - not delightful. But I did it. I loved it. I have not been prouder of myself in a very long time. The obstacles were challenging, but the hardest thing I did was get out of bed. #HappyMuddersDay 

I want to add that a part of the reason that I'm particularly proud is because I had been feeling down on my body recently. I gained something close to a Covid 19 and had worried that it would hold me back from my goals. My goals were to: 1) attempt 75% of the obstacles, 2) finish, 3) not hurt myself. I completed each and every one of the obstacles!! I did finish. And the only damage done to my body was surface stuff - lots of bruising. I just didn't need to reach some ideal level of fitness to be able to kick ass on the obstacle course, and that made me very happy. Rather than decreasing my desires to achieve more fitness, it helped me have a better idea of what I'm capable of, and that will help me as I get back on track here. 

Anyway, just wanted to share some adventuring I've done. Looking forward to a summer full of activity and excitement. Getting back to some level of normalcy, even. 

Written on a cloudy (literally and figuratively) day:

Don't go looking for the sun just yet.

The rays will reach you where you are.

It's okay if the warmth causes the steam to rise from the tears on your cheek.

Focus on the sunshine

 I keep starting posts for the blog. The posts that I can't quite finish are about things like parenting and renewal and grief. I just can't seem to find the right endings to them so I'll keep them until I do. 

For now, I'll just keep

it light and airy. 

Last summer, we experimented with kayaking. We decided to use inflatable kayaks just to see if we'd actually use them before we made an investment in the real deal. I'm happy to report that we did use our inflatable, lovely, but unwieldy kayaks. So we pulled the trigger and got three hard side kayaks. 

We love them!! If you're in the market, I can give you a full review. Otherwise, just believe me that they are so much easier to use and increase our relaxation level by many degrees. 

Cannot wait until we get some consistent sunshine and warmer days, but we took advantage of the warm days a couple of weeks ago.

Happy (practically) spring!

Random Sample

 I haven't had much to say here, clearly. Still don't. I have also taken a break from my daily journal. It's just the way things are right now. Every day is essentially the same. That's not a complaint. We are happy and cozy and have made the most of our moments. Ups and downs like everyone. Here are a few pictures that will catch me up on the blog. Maybe the spring will bring more posts - especially since we have a yard now!

Happy Birthday, Sophia!

Happy, happy birthday, Sophia!!

Today is usually your favorite day of the year, and I am hopeful that this year will be no different in that respect. 

This year has been an exercise in flexibility and disappointment. This is true for all of us, of course, but for a person in their first year of the "teenage" years, it's been especially hard. In last year's letter, I talked about how you were getting a handle on all the ways that you could step away and grow your independent self! That was true and exciting. This pandemic has called for a lot more creativity in terms of separation and freedom. You're at home with your parents way more than you were planning. Fewer opportunities to stretch those wings, but many more opportunities to show maturity.

This year has proven that you can do hard things. Very few things have been as easy as they should have been this year, but you have met it all with courage. I am so proud of the way you've handled every hiccup and disappointment. It's also been proven that you are a true and reliable friend. It's not easy to connect with friends right now, but I've been so impressed at your willingness to put yourself out there and take a risk in order to have real connection. Again, an inspiration, Sophia.

In spite of many changes, some things remain the same. You are so funny. Even in the midst of whatever we're in the midst of right now, you can reliably make us laugh. You are so full of love - for your family, friends and maybe especially for Leo. Your sweetness and your humor truly bring so much joy into our home. One of my favorite things, and this has been true for years, is the way that you continually attempt to discover and create the person you are and who you want to be. That is no small thing, and people decades older than you have yet to master the skill of self-discovery. 

What do I even hope for you for this year? I hope that you continue to find ways to be yourself and believe in yourself. If you had a fraction of the faith in you that I do, you would know that you can face anything that comes your way. Since I don't know what this year holds, that's what I want most for you. 

I can't believe it's been 14 years since I first held you and looked down into that perfect face. Even though I have to look up into your beautiful face now, I still feel the same wonder and joy just knowing that you're ours.

Happy birthday, Sophia. Love you so much!

Mom

8th Grade Begins

Sophia has been back in school for a couple of weeks now. After the spring attempt at online learning, I was definitely holding my breath a little. Fortunately, 8th grade is off to a great start. 

Leo is a big fan of the time in between classes. Sophia usually has time for a quick kiss or snuggle, and he appreciates being remembered. 

 A couple of the days have been nice enough to take class outside. That is quite a treat for her and, again, for Leo. He may be getting a little spoiled by this whole setup. 

Overall, we're just thrilled that eighth grade is getting off to a great start!

Minnesota Moments

Our original 2020 vacation was across the pond. As we're not welcome there right now, we had to think again. So, we packed up our inflatable kayaks and our dog and headed north. A few days in Grand Marais, and a few days in Duluth. It was quite pleasant. I especially loved our time in Grand Marais. 

We are the people who let our dog sit at the table with us. He's such a good guy to have around. He rarely embarrasses us. Now that we're back home, he's disappointed that he no longer gets to sit around the table with us. 

We didn't kayak as much as we thought we would, but we did get out on Two Islands Lake, and it was lovely! A really pleasant time.

We got multiple great hikes. This one was inland, and the mosquitoes were THICK. We came away with very few bites, but we were just wiping them off our necks as they settled. 

We had a couple of rainy days. On one of them, we still got out for some hikes, and Leo was less than thrilled with that particular adventure.

My favorite spot in all of Grand Marais is Artist's Point. It's beautiful and peaceful and takes some intention to get out there. I really enjoyed the scramble over the rocks to get there.

Our hotel was right on the beach of Lake Superior. The water was cold, but it still made for a lovely setting. And of course Sophia got in it.

Something I didn't know that I wanted to do was swim under a waterfall. True that this isn't the biggest waterfall we saw by a long stretch, but it made for such a nice natural freshwater swimming hole that we really enjoyed swimming here even though we had a pool back at the hotel in Duluth.

This was in Duluth on our last night of vacation. The whole trip was as relaxed as I think we're capable of being right now. Masks in public places. Washing hands and not eating inside, etc. It was much needed in terms of a change of scenery and a restart to our routine. Hoping now we have the steam to make it to the start of (online) school. 

Homemade Pizza

Every time we make pizza at home, I think of my grandma. It was one of her favorite meals, but my grandpa wasn't that into it, so she always used us kids as an excuse to break it out. Just like with all her favorites in the kitchen, she loved to experiment with it and see how she could improve. Just because we loved it already didn't mean we couldn't love it more.

In our house, Erick is the pizza experimenter. He also prides himself on finding the perfect recipes and techniques to bring deliciousness to life. Our quarantined life has made it possible for him to make pizzas even during the week. It's definitely one of our silver linings.

Here is one of his doughs rising.

Sometimes he mixes up some ground beef with Italian spices to go on top. That's yummy.

This pizza got a lovely brown on top, and the crust was delicious.

Last night, he cooked our pizzas on the grill. They started out on foil so the crust could firm up. Then he'd move it to indirect heat to finish up and get a little char on the bottom. These pizzas were the best. Crunchy and full of flavor. Mmmm.

He was pretty proud of the product even before we had tasted it.

I know better than to get attached to exactly that because perfection does not mean the end of experimentation. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yellow Cake Chocolate Frosting

We made this cake a couple of weeks ago. It was delicious. We're trying to do a little better for our bodes and not spend so much time baking and eating. So, I'll just relive it here and imagine the way it tasted. Not too sweet. Just perfect.

The recipe, which I won't put here for this one, called for buttermilk, and we happened to have some! I buy buttermilk because Sophia makes some really delicious buttermilk biscuits occasionally. Anyway, the buttermilk contributed to the less sweet taste of the cake, I think. It was dense and moist.

Our favorite icing to cake combo is yellow cake and chocolate frosting. We used the same chocolate frosting recipe that we used on Sophia's half birthday. That frosting is amazing. So creamy. Not at all difficult to spread. I just love that stuff. I should really just make some and keep it on hand! We know why that's a bad idea, but it would be oh, so wonderful.

Here is our completed cake. It stayed together so much better than the chocolate cake did, too.

Perfect little layers of yellow cake goodness. We are trying to make good choices, but seeing this cake again definitely makes it harder.

Hope you're enjoying some quarantined deliciousness of your own! 

Socially Distanced Photo Shoots

During the first week of quarantine, which was also Sophia's Spring Break, Sophia and I walked into the woods to do a little photo shoot. It was a reason to get showered and dressed and out of the house. We decided it was something we would do occasionally as this went on. Yesterday was our second effort. Lots of fun to do this together. Sophia's enjoying being in front of and behind the camera. I'm just enjoying the silliness of the moments.

For this particular day's photos, we went up the hill to Concordia Seminary - a place with great architecture and plants to choose from as backgrounds.

Here is an over-the-shoulder smile that I'm proud of.

The squat and look up at me shot. A few shadows on the face, but overall a great picture of a beautiful girl.

This one I love because I caught the real giggle. I can't take credit for the giggle, though, she was cracking herself up.

Not sure what this is, but it was fun anyhow.

Her instructions here were, "Look confident." We can only hope that this is not actually how I look when I feel confident. Otherwise, I should definitely feel that less often.

Classic Senior picture moment. Super cute, though.

She thinks this is hilarious. She was being silly on purpose but has no idea what's meant to be happening with her hand.

Here is a photo from the jumping series.

Here's a selection from the running series.

Here is my Senior picture section. She did a great job, and I'm actually really pleased with these! Next professional headshot, probably!

 And, finally, here is our togetherness shot. Happily hanging out in the Spring sunshine. There are plenty of odd and uncomfortable moments in all of this, but I am so grateful to have Erick and this lovely girl to share every day with.