Worked

The only other post I wrote on here about going back to work was entitled "Work", so for this new post, I'll call it "Worked". Get it? I worked. It didn't work out.

I'm not finished, but I am on pause. Long story short: nonprofit doesn't seem to be a great fit for me. What does seem to be a great fit is being in a school building helping people get from point A to B and making people feel welcomed and important. So, I'm going to try to get a job in a school building. I'm on pause because there won't be openings till next school year most likely. So, I'll wait it out and hope for the best.

I learned a lot about myself through this process. Five months on a job. For at least three of them, I was wasting away a little. Not physically, of course, but mentally. So I'll try this other approach and take it slowly and wait for a good fit.

For now, I'll keep volunteering at the school in Normandy where I feel useful and I love the people. So, it's a win-win for now!

Work

Going back to work has been a big adjustment for all of us. The changes for Erick and Sophia have been more subtle because I'm still at school drop off and pick up every day. However, I'm not able to do all the housework and errands that I normally do throughout the week.

The biggest changes have been felt my Leo and me. Poor little Leo has to stay in his crate from 8:30 to 3:00 every day. Two reasons. The first is that Gabriella hates him, and we worry that either the cat or the dog would wind up hurt at the end of some long day. Second is that even if I close Gabriella in her own room, Leo is anxious the entire I'm gone if he's not in his crate. He stays on the same patch of couch watching the door, but I know in his crate at least he calms down.

It's been a bigger adjustment than I thought it would be for myself. I'm just working during the hours that Sophia's in school, but the shift it has made in my mentality is pretty significant. In some ways, I'm more efficient during the time I have at home, and in other ways, I seem to be a bit adrift. I haven't found the patterns that will make this all work together. The really good thing is that I'll probably get to adjust back down at least somewhat. A person is being hired to take on quite a bit of the job I'm doing at the moment, so that will be a relief. I just have to push through till then.

Regardless, it's the holiday season, and I'm focusing on hope.

A willing learner and effective communicator

Sophia started school last week. With the return to our routine, I also started something new - job hunting.

It's not just any job that I'm hunting for. It's a job with purpose. I want to be in a position to make a difference, and I can wait a while or take a completely entry-level job to make that happen. 

Over the last couple of years, I've been the co-president of the Parent Teacher Organization at Sophia's school. She is lucky to go to one of the best schools in one of the best districts in the state. 

Along with the commitment I made to Sophia's school, I've been volunteering at a school in the Normandy District, which is in a much different position than Clayton. It's unaccredited, and its students can transfer out to other schools in the area as long as it remains that way. The two schools can be seen as completely different in some ways. However, in many ways, they are the same. I spend most of my time in both schools in the office. The administrators of both schools know all the kids by name. They are happy to see them in the morning, although in Normandy, there is a pushback on the kids who come in late too often. In Clayton, that's not really an issue. In both schools, the needs of the kids come first, and every step forward is celebrated. The difference is in the steps.

All this to say, I have grown a passion for equity in education. The kids in both schools are bright and sweet and want to do the right thing. They want to go to college, and for the most part, they still believe they can do just about anything. And, for the kids in Clayton, even the ones who don't live in the district, almost anything is within reach. For the kids in Normandy, it's going to be tougher. They shouldn't have to work twice as hard to get the same result. But they do. It's not only one problem - money or teachers - it's a thousand problems. Just because it's huge, doesn't mean it shouldn't be tackled and chipped away at. 

Lots of organizations are working on different aspects of these issues. Food, supplies, extra reading help, behavioral intervention to name a few. There are organizations working toward fixing the gaps at the high school level, so kids can come out and get a quality college education or get connected in the workforce. I have some ideas about which areas I want to invest in, but honestly, I just want to get the clear to jump in and I'll figure it out.

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

George Bernard Shaw

Deep Breath

My olfactory senses are very near to my spirit, or whatever you might call it. The slightest whiff of a particular smell can draw me in or spit me out, depending on the conjuring that follows.

One smell that will always bring fullness to my chest is described here: Yesterday, we finally enjoyed some above-freezing weather. Not only that, the sun came to visit. Sophia and I took the chance to get outside after she got home from school. A cruise downhill on her bike, followed by some digging in the mud, seemed like an appropriate welcome to the first springish day we've had.

After we were inside, I leaned over (not so far these days) to kiss Sophia on her forehead, my nose in her hair. There it was. Spring. Promise. Innocence. Earth. Combined with the scent of my daughter. The result was color and warmth. Memories of the same moment having passed between us hundreds (maybe thousands?) of times. How many thousands more can I manage before I'll have to conjure those memories from words like these rather than from a deep breath?

Date with Myself

The time of choosing what I do with my time is nearing an end, until August at least. Of course, there are millions of moments to look forward to in the summer with my Sophia. However, I am trying to take advantage of the days I have left. Lots of long walks and one venture to a place that's been on my list for a very long time: Bellefontaine (pronounced Belle Fountain) Cemetery.

The cemetery offers a tangible walk through the history of St. Louis. The people with the mansions in the city and the sprawling ranches in the country also have the biggest monuments in Bellefontaine. However, there are also monuments built on love and longing, not built to impress but to honor. And there are reminders of where we've been and what's still possible.

I'll start with the creepiest. Yes, I'm sure I could say that more eloquently. But, truthfully, it was creepy. David Francis was the President of the Louisiana Purchase Exposition (1904 World's Fair). He was also Ambassador to Russia during the 1917 Russian Revolution. Perhaps that's why he felt a connection to the darker element of the spiritual world? Perhaps this figure is simply guardian of his family's remains. Regardless, it's an intense and moving figure. Beautiful.

Also very creepy...

Most people chose to go with the uplifting angelic representation. Many, many ethereal and memorable sculptures. Here are just a few.

It was truly a walk through St. Louis, and American, history. Many people who are buried here helped to change the course of our history. And that's no exaggeration.

In the very back, you will find the monument to William Clark, of Lewis and Clark. It's an impressive monument and is surrounded by those of his descendants. It is also flanked by two people whose epitaphs indicate they were his (beloved) servants, although it's more likely that they were slaves. Yet another reminder of the complications of our national story.

A monument that holds a prominent position today, although probably not as prominent as when it was built, is the mausoleum of Adolphus Busch. The inscription above the door is "Veni, Vidi, Vici", and indeed he did. 

There is another element of history that is well represented in Bellefontaine, and I was unaware of this until my visit. The cemetery is now the resting place of several prominent Suffragettes. I was happy to pay homage to some of these brave and tireless agents of change. Virginia Minor attempted to register to vote in 1872, claiming the 14th amendment gave every woman the rights of a citizen of the United States. She took her case before the courts and lost, but she never gave up the fight. It took nearly fifty more years for women to gain the right to vote, long after Virginia was gone.

Edna Fischel Gellhorn, on the other hand, did get to vote. She was born six years after Virginia Minor first tried to gain rights for women, and Edna joined the cause at a young age. After the 19th amendment's passage, she became Vice President of the National League of Women Voters and joined Eleanor Roosevelt in the United Nations Association.  

 All of the history and St. Louis culture aside, the most meaningful experience in this cemetery, or any other, occurs when met with the beauty and intensity of great loss due to great love. I found that here with the Maude Judge Memorial. This beautiful woman stands at the head of two graves. One is a young woman, who died less than a week after the birth of her only child. The other is that baby girl, less than a year later.

Here stands their monument. Desperate or hopeful? Probably both. As powerful as love.

Haunted History

I bought a Groupon and convinced a friend to go with me downtown for a Haunted History tour of St. Louis.

It was great fun. I love to be outside at night, and I love history, so this is right up my alley. I didn't see or hear anything of the haunted variety, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I don't buy into it. St. Louis is full of fascinating history. I can't wait to read more about the things I learned about last night, some of which are probably true...

Muscle Confusion

One of my gifts for Christmas from Mary was Come on All You Ghosts, a book of poetry by American poet Matthew Zapruder. I love poetry for many reasons, but I think all the reasons: entertainment, education, introspection, insight, beauty, pretty much all come back to one big appeal for me. Muscle confusion.

You know how cross training is such a successful workout because your body doesn’t know what’s coming next? Your muscles get used to doing one thing, then those muscles increase in power, but the rest maintain their flabbiness and flaccidity. Cross training confuses your muscles, causing them to burn more fat and develop more steadily - or something. I really don’t know much about cross training, having never done it myself. But I think that’s the general idea, and that’s what applies to poetry. Follow me?

Reading novels and biographies, watching movies and having conversations all establish our language patterns in a relatively set way. Very rarely are we surprised by the construction of dialogue or text, although the content occasionally astonishes. I know that I will note a well placed metaphor or turn of phrase, but nothing throws my brain into quite a different gear as does poetry. I love to be surprised by someone’s creativity with words. I like not being able to anticipate what’s coming next. Unpredictability in language is one of my favorite things. I like stretching the brain muscle in its language capacity. I imagine it’s how some people feel about complicated mathematical equations.

Here are a few of my favorite excerpts from this particular book of poetry.

from "Pocket":

Saying pocket makes me feel potentially

but not yet busy.

from "April Snow":

I feel like a mountain of cell phone chargers

and finally my favorite from "Poem for Ferlinghetti":

That constant humming sound is time

coming to take us
away from each other.
Or the refrigerator,
keeping the milk cold
and pure.

In case you’re wondering, context does little or nothing to change the tone or meaning of these excerpts. They can stand alone or be experienced in a creative symphony of felt words.

All that being said, I don’t love poetry the way I love reading novels or memoirs, nor do I love it as much as a lengthy conversation. I don't think it’s any more or less valid as a vehicle for communicating thoughts or feelings via word. But it can be a refreshing and invigorating change of pace for the noggin now and then. If you like - and you can comment - you can let me know what you use to exercise the brain. 

Or you can tell me more about cross training for the body.

My Schedule

Many weeks ago, I had mentioned that I might share what my weekly schedule looks like now that Sophia is at school all day every day.

Up until now, I haven't wanted to share, nor have I been entirely sure about my schedule. I'm still not sure, but I'm more willing to let you in on what I do know.

I know that time is a lot like square footage. The more you have, the more crap you get to fill it. I am not complaining, mind you. Just making an observation. In other words, I have been blessed with a lot of time that I can fill more or less as I choose. However, when I'm not intentional about carving out specific time to accomplish my goals, I find less and less of it available to use. In other words, crap starts piling up with no open space for breath and art.

Every week, on Thursday, I volunteer in the morning in Sophia's classroom. I do everything from work on the decorations to hearing the kids read to playing bingo. It is something that I have really enjoyed and feel very grateful for the chance to do while Sophia is in Kindergarten. However, for the past month or so, this commitment has combined with field trips and parties and other requests to put me at the school at least two, often three, days a week instead of one. Again, I'm happy to get to know the kids that Sophia is with all the time and become familiar with her routines, but it's not what I planned. Also, I have within me the power to say no... I'm aware.

I have actually been cooking! For those of you who know me well, you know it's a big deal for me to say that ever since school started, I have consistently been cooking at home significantly more than I've been serving prepared meals or eating out. Even more surprising is that I really enjoy it! Well, I enjoy it a bit. Really enjoying it might be a stretch.

And I've been keeping the house clean, which is not my favorite thing. So, let's recap: Kindergarten, cooking, cleaning. Plus, I love my life.

What I planned on doing during Sophia's Kindergarten year was the following: write. Not blogging. Writing. Something. Who knows what? Really. Do you know what?

Actually, never mind. I don't need your ideas. I have plenty of my own.

So the plan has been writing. For the month of September, I was a writer. Each day, I was getting some good things onto paper. Plots, characters, themes. None of these necessarily went with any others, mind you, but they were there. Then October came along. An illness, a wedding and previously mentioned commitments. I wasn't a writer any more. Or at least I was a very frustrated one.

It's November now, and I am hopeful. I am not hopeful that I will make more time. I only have the square footage that I have. However, I am hopeful that I can see myself as a writer and as a creator whether my time is free or occupied. I am hopeful that I will be more intentional with the time and energy that I do have in order to make things happen. If I can volunteer, cook and clean with a writer's mind in action, then I don't need time at the table with a pen and a cup of coffee. I am selling my mind and my creativity short.

This is actually more sharing than I intended to do, but there you have it. 

Sometimes I...

...forget about the blog. There. I said it. Did it hurt? I hope not. Since you never comment, I assume that I am, in fact, writing this for myself. That sounded bitchy, but it wasn't meant that way. It actually has nothing at all to do with the fact that you don't comment. I write this for myself regardless. Anyway, nine days has passed since the last post. We are in full swing Kindergarten mode. It is pretty awesome. As every parent has promised, Sophia has been very tired. It's amazing just how tired. So, Erick and I have been battling that by being completely present with her while she's present with us. That seems to work like a charm while we can focus. As soon as we get distracted or give in to the tiredness ourselves, it all goes south in a handbasket. Sophia loves school. No surprise there. She eats up the direction and the structure, which she has never had the privilege of experiencing at home. And that, above all other reasons, is why I would never home school. Oh, today was supposed to be a school day? Oops. So, that leads to a post that I will write at some point that describes my days at home by myself. I'm trying to artificially place structure in my daily life, and it has met with a moderate success. My goal has been structure by September, but that's next week. All right. So next week, I'll let you know what my structure looks like. Or I won't. That's the joy of being me.

Continuing Education

Is it weird that I get giddy every time we get the catalog from the local Community College with their random offerings for the semester and/or summer? I have yet to take any of these classes, but I most certainly will one of these days. So far, this summer's top choices for me are: Indoor Composting: Making Bokashi Buckets - yes, please!! I love to compost but have no yard of my own. This would be awesome. French/German/Italian for the Traveler - Now I just need to decide where to go and I'll learn how to ask about the bathroom when I get there! Ballroom Dancing: Beginning - Do I really need to explain this one? Why is it such a natural desire to want to be able to glide across the dance floor? Any dancing, really. Sign me up. My partner, too, of course. Right, Erick? The Magic of Coincidence - I have no idea what this class would be, but it looks like a hoot. Re-live the 1904 World's Fair - You get to cruise the former grounds and eat foods that were prepared then. Awesome! All of the Creative Writing Workshops - these I will one day attend. Just not this summer. Have any of you ever taken Community College classes like these? What was it like? Great stories?

An example of LJ's inner monologue: I'm glad that combed forward Caesar-esque hairstyle for men is out. (then I saw one almost immediately) Oh heavens, should I apologize for thinking that was dorky? Did I make that happen or somewhere in my subconscious did I know that I'd see a guy with that hairstyle this morning? Wow. I wonder if everything that happens has already happened somewhere in my head. I wish I could access it, then I'd know if that was the last time I'll see that dorky hairstyle. *chuckles to self It wasn't entirely dorky at first. Remember when Joaquin Phoenix had it in Gladiator? But then, he was actually an emperor, so... I'm thinking an awful lot about that hairstyle. Maybe if I post this on the blog it won't be as weird that I spent so much time thinking about it. -And now I know that's not the case.

A Day for Love

I feel about Valentine's Day the way people say we should feel about Christmas, but that one feels a little more vague to me.

Anyway, what I mean is that I try to not save up my love for this special day. Don't get me wrong. I love to go out to dinner with my special someone. This is our 15th Valentine's Day together, by the way. I'm quite sure I gave it a whole lot more thought when there might be a little romantic surprise in my locker or something.

But, as a grownup, I don't think I'm better at expressing my love for him or anyone else that I care about today than any other day. Probably worse actually because it's easy to get caught up in the "should"s of Valentine's Day. And I'm never great at doing what I should do. Rebellion and a bad memory combine for some serious deficiencies.

Most days that I stop to think about it, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for all the love I have in my life. My heart definitely has no trouble overflowing to those around me. I am filled up. Every day.

Now making every day like Christmas feels like a bigger challenge. I just don't know what that means. I get that we should celebrate Jesus every day, but it's a little harder to recreate that type of halted and still adoration every day. I'm just saying.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my people. Love ya today and every other day, too.

I Forget

I just (almost) finished a book called Moonwalking with Einstein. It was on the topseller and best read lists on Amazon and at my local bookstore, so what could I do. I was hoping, with a title like that, that the book would be a strange tale or something. Not so. It's a book about training one's mind to remember. Specifically, how one person spent a year training his memory in order to compete in the annual Memory Championships.

Don't get me wrong, the book had some definite interesting points. I liked the conversation he started about the need for memory becoming obsolete with the proliferation of technology - like this. I couldn't argue, considering the fact that I blog in order to remember. And there were even some helpful hints about using mnemonic techniques to remember lists and such. But really when it came down to it, I'm just not that interested in remembering those kinds of things. I do want to exercise my brain and "jog" it occasionally. Maybe take a mental stroll around some of the places I've been. We really don't take enough time in our lives to re-experience many things.

However, the fact of the matter is that when I stopped to write down my experience of the book, I forgot the author's name. And that's really okay with me. Josh Foer, by the way. I just looked it up. Thank you, internet...

looking both ways

One of the reasons that I love the holidays is that I love thinking back and looking forward. I don't really have to remind myself to stop and reflect. More often, I find myself saying, "Self, enough reflecting and planning. Now just do it."

The turn of the year offers a great chance for that. And this one is extra special because it's the year that Erick and I will celebrate our 10-year anniversary. That's right. A whole year to reflect on our first ten years of marriage. I'm giddy with excitement. So, it may come up a lot this year. Or it may not. We'll see.

Regardless, I'll be thinking about it. And talking a lot to Erick about it. He loves that. He actually does, but I think his ears may get tired sometimes. Anyway, reflection is my favorite. Birthdays, anniversaries and the holidays are therefore also my fav.

Oh, the possibilities

Sophia is almost through her first full week back to school. We have both survived rather nicely, I think. Sophia is still exhausted at the end of the morning, but she's having fun at school.

Yesterday was a cool, rainy day here, and I could not have enjoyed that weather more. I'm happy to see the sun today and the wispy white clouds, but there is something about a fall rain that is cleansing and symbolic of the change of the seasons.

With my week of mornings, I have cleaned, cooked, napped, eaten, rearranged my living room and helped a friend. I knew that I was going to like having my mornings, but I forgot all the things you can get done in three hours. So I'll spend the next few weeks experimenting with the possibilities.

Hope everyone nearby is enjoying the shift of weather as much as I am.

It's My Birthday!

 

Twenty-seven years ago, this is what I looked like on my birthday. Today, I'm not wearing a party hat, but I'm still the same girl. Giddy about my day.

Patches

 

Patches is the one in the middle. The very unamused yet surprisingly cooperative feline between two dolls. I don't remember the story behind this picture. I can only imagine I was on the back porch playing with my favorite things, and Mom decided to snap a picture.

Patches was a good cat. Playful and attentive. Killed mice in the yard with regularity and pride. Snuggled with an occasional enthusiasm. Such a good cat.

I obviously loved her.

The Happiest Day of My Life

I have had many, many happy days in my life. But when I do a real evaluation, I cannot think of a day that I enjoyed quite as much of that light feeling in my heart, almost as if I might take flight. My wedding day met every hope and dream I had for it.

And nine years with Erick has been everything I hoped for and nothing I planned. As I think about it, my heart just might fly away.

Last Day of School

Yep. It's today. Sophia's done with her complete first year of preschool. The first half at Little One's Day Out. The second half at Samuel Pre-K. Both fantastic experiences. Sophia absolutely loves school. Of course, I know she'll forget how much she loves it by the time it comes around again. But I can rest in the knowledge that this part of our transition has gone absolutely swimmingly. She made friends. The teachers loved getting to know her. She danced and shouted her joy after almost each day of school. Can't get much better than that.

On to the summer. I've got my work cut out for me to keep her entertained and active. Without a reason to get out, Sophia would be happy just lying around, watching TV, having me read or play with her here at home. She says she doesn't like the summer because it's too hot and the sun gets in her eyes. Fortunately, after this weekend, she's all about going to a pool. I think we will get a summer membership at the Clayton pool. The cost, which is not as much as I thought it would be, will still be enough to encourage us to get our selves out there on a regular basis.

It's going to be a weird summer, without a doubt. This is the time of year that I normally spend the majority of the week with my friends and neighbors. I am excited to get to explore all that St. Louis has to offer this summer, but I will miss the ease and understanding of hanging out with all my Columbia people. Really, really miss it.

Sticking with it

My spring schedule has made it difficult to make regular visits to the nursing home. I'm hopeful that things will become predictable enough in the near future, and we'll all stay healthy enough for me to return to regular visits. This resolve is especially firm after today's visit with a lady at the home.

Allow me to give a little review on my history with this venture. I planned to volunteer and expected to spend time with people only marginally aware of my presence in order to help allay a few moments of loneliness felt by one or two people. Once I first visited, my expectations changed based on the specific person I was arranged to visit. She was fascinating and energetic and educated. Turns out she was not interested in me. So, I moved on to other people who would be less offended by my presence, and with this, it turns out my first expectations were more accurate. Don't get me wrong. The person I typically visit with now is just as interesting and educated, but her condition is more of what I expected - she is mostly aware of my presence but her loneliness and boredom is bigger than an hour a week. Still, I'm glad that for an hour a week she feels like more than a resident in a nursing home.

Today's visit was more positive than one we had a couple of weeks ago. We spent it looking at her calendar, which was made for her by her children. She repeated several times, an astonishment that she is still alive in 2011, although she can't remember with confidence what year she was born. She's an avid reader who currently has no desire to read. Of that, she said, "I should be unhappy, but I'm not. Guess I'm just content with nothingness."

All that to say, my resolve is refreshed. I actually enjoy the time spent in her presence. I think it's mutual, so that helps. Each time I leave, I have been surprised that I don't feel depressed. I feel a sense of overwhelming gratitude for the spring breeze and the ability to drive.