Pause for Authenticity

I'm only going to post this because it means so much to me to hear that other people struggle with this stuff. Maybe that's only me. In which case, I apologize in advance for admitting my weaknesses; please disregard and move on to brighter, cuter posts and pictures of Sophia.

Okay, so it's been a difficult week. Yes, Sophia is hilarious and endearing and smart. It turns out, she is also my nemesis. It really stuns me at times how a two-year-old person can push my button, ring my bell and get my goat the way that Sophia does. Each time it happens, I am more than willing to assume it is due to some failure on my part to teach her to respect me or something. I'm never sure exactly where the failure is; I'm just confident there is one.

As I stated in my last post, this has been a hectic week. Our busy schedules have combined with very early mornings and fun things like vaccinations to create the perfect storm. For some reason, when I am tired and busy and have virtually no margin to give, Sophia senses weakness and takes the opportunity to land the knockout punch. I understand that she is two. I'm fully aware that this next season of our lives is going to be challenging simply because of her age. It should be. She is learning to be independent, and I am learning to exercise authority in love. But I also understand that Sophia is perceptive, especially when it comes to me. She has had my number since she was a baby. She knows that my natural tendency is to lean into love and let authority go. It may sound crazy, but it's been proven over and over. I am not giving her too much credit.

Knowing my tendency to sacrifice authority for love (not to say that those who exercise greater authority lack love), I have to analyze each decision I make in dealing with Sophia. It's a split second mental marathon to determine my reasoning and rationale for coming to a conclusion. For example, I am cooking dinner. Sophia asks me to read a book. My natural response is "Yes." But because of my tendency to be a pushover, I think it over first. I go over in my head my reasons for saying yes. Am I doing it because I want Sophia to like me? Should I really finish dinner? How long will this chicken take? Which book is it? Am I afraid of a fit? If I say no, and she throws a fit, I can't change my mind. I'm not sure that mental lightning storm makes sense to anyone else. I'm not even sure it makes sense to me. The thing is, in a week like this one, my mind just frizzes out after the first question. The result is indecision and frustration for both of us.

This morning I shared my frustration with Casey and shed a couple of tears into my coffee. She simply reminded me that not every decision has to be the right one. What matters is that the overarching parenting principles that I believe in are playing out during the day. Also, there are chances for do-overs! If I mess up one time earlier in the day, I don't have to repeat the same mistake for consistency's sake. I can correct it. This is so simple, but it is such a challenge to believe in the moment. A mistake doesn't make me a failure. Neither does a temper tantrum.

Authenticity matters. Yes, Sophia is a fantastic child, and I am incredibly lucky. (She actually tells me that!) But parenting is still difficult because it matters so damn much. (pardon my emphasis) For those of you without small children, I apologize for the rant, but the truth applies everywhere. A mistake doesn't mean failure. Just do what you know is right and stick with it.